time flies

every time when ive been remimded that.... m already 20, haven get into my degree program, i feel really bad.. time flies.
i realise im old. real old for a foundation student. yea.. those were negative thoughts..
advice? age is not a boundaries for education. live to old, learn to old..(chinese direct tanslate). but. to those aged ppl, they been respect. me?
hm..

....
too many things going on and on...
i realise i lost myself...
questioning when is my last visit to temple and when is my last prayer?
yea. for a believer like me, i feel bad and disappointed with myself...

there's ntg stopping me.. its all discipline.
where i dont have it.
it turn worst..
when i lost my confidence.

ive changed. from bad to worse.

yet.. it dont get better now.

i really really dont know what should i do.

no solid support from family what i wanted to do.
yes! if u ignore old ppl's advice, u'll regret of it later on.

yes! you have to get a degree. as a back up or what so ever.

i used to tell all juniors. do not not not not ever give up on studies.

now??
do all matters?

everyone is going upward.
im the only one left behind.

feeling lost. no direction. been humilated since form 5.

until i enter form 6
...
this gets better...

tik tok tik tok...
1 and ahalf year past
result time?

its worst than i expected.

thoughts of getting into sabah u... getting into local uni life....
meeting mentor...
going into campus...
no more home sticking life...
independence in hostel...

everything just gone.

ntg but gone

i know. i know . i know.

everyone ask.. why dont you apply?
yea yea... answering "actually i also duno why. maybe i know im going private. i cant stay at hostel so i din apply"...


yea... believe... believe...

only me. myself know the truth.

i dont dare. not even a single dare to tell ppl dat im afraid.

im afraid to receive the news from gov dat my application been rejected cause i TL.
where TL stands for TIDAK LAYAK.

i wanted so so so so so much to get into local uni.
so so so much just to make my parents go "wow"

never fail to dream going to local uni. never.
secretly online and visit sabah local uni campus. wondering how would it be.


at the end, its just a daylight dream dats keps my time pass... day by day...
celebrating friends farewell to local uni... coming back to klang....

and... me?

non stop changing and non stop troubbling ppl...

and it makes me understand why ppl commited suicide...

the secret has been revealed at last.
i regreted everything ive done after spm. every single little thing.

i just know how to cry. which it leads me to move no where.

i cannot find my confidence. i feel so timid. even smaller than a microorganism.
dat i lost the original me.

dont be surprise if you dont meet me tomorrow. cause its part of my choice.